The Shower Boogie

That's a dance done by most people who bathe in our apartment in Boston. You see, our shower is not so much a shower as a test of agility run by a waterspout of death. As with most old apartments in old buildings in old cities, our place has "character." And by "character" I mean, chipped paint, a knothole in the floor by the front door, enough electricity to power an electic toothbrush or a toaster (but never EVER at the same time) and legions of cocroaches who plot their overthrow of the human race between the walls. Also, a highly moody shower.

Never mind the lack of water pressure and the old rotting tiles; let's start with the obvious: when you turn up the cold knob, you expect the temperature of the water to drop. You'd be wrong. About 50% of the time, that action causes the temperature to skyrocket as you plea for mercy for your poor unsuspecting toes. Usually when the temperature shoots through the roof, the water pressure increases and the flow pushes you to the back of the tub so you can't reach the knobs to try again. You have four options at this point:
1. stand there helpless with shampoo in your eyes until the water fixes itself. Could be anywhere from 4 seconds to 5 minutes.
2. reach through the scalding water and try to grasp the knobs and fix it without causing permanent injury to the skin on your arms and face.
3. climb out of the shower, getting the floor all wet and your butt cold, so you can fix the problem without injury.
4. stand where you are and scream for the other occupant of the apartment to come and fix it for you.
All are viable options and all have been used.

Of course, the opposite happens too - turn the hot all the way up and all you get is ice water. However, ice water does not melt the skin off the bones, so it is an easier beast to deal with and not all the above options are necessary.

Where the boogie comes in, however, are the times when the shower changes temperature all by itelf with little warning. I'm not talking the normal someone flushes the toilet and the temp goes up enough to startle an annoy the average person. No no. I'm talking about no warning and then a temperature shift of 50 degrees in one direction or another. You learn quickly that the shift will be preceded by a tiny tick or other sound. That sound means, "JUMP, MOTHER F***R!!!" There is no indication if it will be hot or cold water that will follow the tick. All you know is that you won't like it and will probably be a happier person if you are not caught under the flow of water when it hits.

This game that the shower likes to play can and will happen anywhere from 2 to 20 times during an average bathing experience. And if the drain is starting to clog for some reason? Here's where it gets interesting. Only about 70% of the water comes out of the shower head. The rest drips out of the regular tap and is always scalding hot. If there's a clog and it starts to back up, you are left balancing with your feet on opposite sides of the tub to being with. If you hear that tick, the result is a leap-frog meets drunken surfer scramble to get all of your essential parts out of danger's way.

I can't wait to move. Nor can flarf. When we visit the parents in Albany, he gets the most excited about showers. Like a child who knows he will be getting presents and cake, flarf does a happy dance at the thought of water pressure, constant temperature and burn-free feet all wrapped into one. He usually spends most of the weekend with pruny hands and has to be pried from the shower or at least lured away by the promise of a cookie or some pie. (It's easier to lure him away around the holidays, as there is more pie.) Someday will will have a normal shower of our own. What crazy dreamers we kids are.

Let's not even talk about what happens if there are two people in the shower...